


Building Happiness

by JBarts (the_physicist)



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-21
Updated: 2014-10-21
Packaged: 2018-02-22 02:41:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2491478
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_physicist/pseuds/JBarts
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The boys need to talk. </p><p>"Does it bother you that I can't give up searching for Buck? Are you jealous?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Building Happiness

Damnit, he'd been getting over Bucky's death, over losing everyone he'd ever known, over the lost opportunity with Peggy. He'd started to move on with his life, with his love-life even. After losing Bucky he'd never thought he'd love again, but then it had all happened at once. He'd met Sam Wilson. 

And now Bucky was back. 

"Steve, I can hear you thinking all the way over here. Come to bed."

"Sorry, I've just got a lot on my mind."

"I can tell," Sam replied and held up the bed covers invitingly. 

Steve closed the file Natasha had given him and let it fall onto the motel room's only table. Two months of searching for Bucky up and down the country and they still weren't any closer to finding him than they had been on day one. 

"Wanna talk about it?"

Steve crossed the room and instead of getting into bed he sat on the edge of it. "Does it bother you?"

Sam raised a questioning eyebrow at him, but his eyes were sharp and knowing. He just wanted Steve to say it. 

That penetrating gaze that saw right through him made Steve's neck burn in shame. 

"Does it bother you that I can't give up searching for Buck? Are you jealous?"

"Should I be?" Sam asked in return, not breaking eye-contact. 

Steve clenched his jaw and scrunched the bed sheet up in his fists. 

"You planning on gettin' back together with him when we find him?" Sam asked quietly. 

The question hit Steve like a bucket of ice being dumped into his lap. "No!"

Immediately Sam's features softened into a smile and a tension Steve hadn't even noticed being there melted from around Sam's lips. He'd never seen Sam's smile like that — no wait, that wasn't true. He had. On an early morning jog that seemed a life time ago now, and on a visit to the VA, equally long ago. Before Bucky had showed up in his life again. 

"Damn, Sam," he whispered, "I'm so sorry. I've been hurting you all this time."

Sam didn't reply, so Steve continued. "I should have reassured you. I—"

"Did you even know what your answer was gonna be until I asked just now?"

Steve considered the question. "I don't know. I think... I think I had a lot to work through. It messed me up seeing him again."

Sam barked out a laugh. "You can say that again!" 

"It's just... I was putting my life back together, I was actually finally getting over losing him, starting to live despite not having him in my life. I'd mourned him, I'd started to move on... and then... yeah."

"Mmmhhh," Sam replied non-committedly. 

"I worked hard to get to this place." _This place where I could give you my heart_ he didn't say. He needed to get used to saying this stuff out loud though, he thought, clearly Sam couldn't simply read his heart and mind. Some things needed to be said. He'd already hurt Sam enough by not doing that. So it was something he was gonna work on. "I'm with you now. I don't want to give that up for Bucky. But I feel selfish wanting this," he admitted quietly. 

Sam sucked in a sharp breath. "Look, man—."

"Don't. He's still Bucky. Not that argument again."

"Okay, okay! But you still don't owe him your entire life," he finished softly. "Would you wanna be with someone who was only stickin' with you outta some sense of misplaced guilt?"

Steve pulled a face. 

"There you go then."

"Thank you, Sam. For being so...," he waved his hand around in the air in front of him trying to capture what he felt with words. In the end he gave up, leant over, and kissed Sam instead. 

"We'll get him back," Sam said afterwards. 

Steve gave himself a self-deprecating neck rub. "It's a bit like with Peggy all over again, 'cept I never got the chance to spend anywhere near as much time with Peggy. Buck and I agreed that if we felt we had a chance with a dame, of bein' happy and in love, we shouldn't told each other back. I knew Peggy was special and for three years I carried a flame for her, throughout the entire war. It tore Bucky up, even though I didn't love him any less, but yeah... he could see the end coming. I'd always seen it, cause Bucky'd always have a new dame on his arm every Friday. I knew he'd settle down with a wife and kids one day."

He closed his eyes and willed back the tears. "He deserved to be happy. He deserves to be happy. I don't want to cause him more hurt. I know Buck would understand, he might'a been jealous of Peggy, but he did his best to get over it, cause he felt it was only right not to get in my way. He felt he was in my way."

Sam rubbed circles into his back, between his shoulder blades. 

"Can't say I've ever been in your exact shoes," Sam said. "But I also know what it's like not to want to break someone's heart with your choices."

"Tell me?" He let the tone of his voice form the words into a question, not wanting to press if this was something Sam didn't want to talk about. Steve didn't quite trust himself to have read Sam right, although it seemed like Sam was giving him an opening. 

"One of my ex-girlfriends. Damn, man, she was really something. Like, she really shaped me as a person, in a good way, you know? She had so much personality, so many opinions, and she wasn't afraid of openin' her mouth either. Reminds me a bit of you in that respect at least," he teased. "I never wanted to disappoint her, I wanted to live up to her expectations, cause she really knew what she was talkin' about."

"She didn't like you signing up?"

"Oh man, I think she would've had my balls if we were still together at that point." His face turned serious. "Dude, no, that wasn't it. It wasn't the service."

Now it was Steve's turn to comfort Sam. He took Sam's hand into his, squeezed it tight and kissed each of his knuckles, nuzzling his nose into the groves between each of them. 

"I was working at a small inner-city supermarket. Some guy tried to rob the store. Held a knife to one of the cashier's throats. She was the store manager's daughter. I didn't think, man. I just tackled him, somehow stabbed him in the process. Guy survived, but I ended up with a criminal conviction, was nothin' I could do, even though the store manager put in a good word for me. Lost my job too. Company policy."

Steve didn't know what to say to that and he hated himself for feeling so helpless. "Must've been rough. Sorry you had to go through that." The words didn't seem adequate. 

Sam shrugged. "I tried to find employment, but nowhere decent would have me. Eventually I resigned myself to sorting letters for the rest of my life when the manager pulls me aside one day when I was doing my shopping at the store. He told me he had an uncle down in D.C., there was this job that was mine if I wanted it. It wasn't great pay, not enough that I'd be able to visit Harlem much, if at all, but it wasn't sortin' mail, know what I mean?"

"She didn't want you to move?"

"Course not. I didn't want to leave her either. She told me it wouldn't work long distance, an' I tried to argue with her, promised her it would, and that I'd find work in New York eventually. Knew it'd break her heart if I chose the job over her."

"Can't'a been an easy choice."

"It was hard to watch her hurt and know I was the one that caused that pain. But I didn't once think I was makin' the wrong choice. If I'd stayed... put simply, my life woulda sucked and I didn't wanna end up blamin' her for that. She didn't put up with anyone's bullshit, least of all mine. I'd've blamed her and she'd've kicked me out onto the curb."

"You still talk to her?"

"No."

Steve chanced a glance over towards the room's small table. 

"Doesn't mean you and Bucky'll be the same way," Sam said. "Now come to bed."

Steve didn't need to be asked again. He pulled Sam tight against him, so Sam's back was to his chest, once he was under the covers. 

He pressed kisses to Sam's neck. 

"Stop it, that tickles!" 

"I love you," Steve said into the skin of his partner's neck. 

The laughter died on Sam's lips, and he extracted himself from Steve's vice-like grip to turn over, so he was facing Steve. Sam reached out with one hand and cupped the back of Steve's head, pulling him forward until their forehead touched. "Love you too," he whispered in return. 

Steve's heart hammered in his chest, trying to escape. He felt drunk with all the emotion coursing through his veins, and, for the first time in recent memory, he felt happy. Sam had wanted to know what made him happy. This is what made him happy. Being in bed with Sam Wilson, whispering sweet everythings to him under the covers until the sun started to rise outside.


End file.
